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Many things we worry
about do not matter. Some do. A few matter absolutely. This book looks
at these essentials. About the book - and the title If you were to pick the most precious gifts in life, what would they be? If you were to rank life’s most important tasks, what would the list look like? If you were given a chance to get answers to your ten most important questions, what would you ask? If you needed a blueprint to live life to the full, where would you look? Do you have moment - to pause, to look at the things that matter most, to talk of the things that you have most at heart? This little book is such an attempt. It looks at the questions and experiences that challenged me most in life. Friends tell me - irrespective of age, gender, nationality or religion - that these are the very issues that grip them most. Quite simply, I try to see - for myself and those I know - what it means to love, to forgive, to find meaning, to be sexual and spiritual, to pray, to form a happy family, to face my fears - without losing humour. Shall we have a look at what lies beneath the commonest yet most meaningful words that we use everyday? You know as well as I do the thrill of opening a gift box. The book, of course, is hardly more than the ribbon around the box. The parcel - whether in mint condition or damaged in the mail - is life itself. open it, and unwrap the amazing gifts one by one.You will find your name on each.
Why This Book? The other reason is equally simple. In our quieter moments - at night, or in a bus or train, or after a heated argument, or when facing pain and uncertainty - most of us reflect on life’s “really real” questions, and seek greater clarity. As Sheila, a young artist, told me, “My friends and me - we do talk of the things that really matter, but we do it in informal settings, with close friends, drinking coffee or after a movie. We do have the most exciting discussions!”
This book addresses that
type of interest and concern - to talk of the things that matter, but in
a direct and informal way, in plain and possibly witty idiom. These are
the issues that students have thrashed out with me, in calm or heated
exchanges. These are the queries I hear from teachers who want to answer
their students’ questions - and their own. Others - parents, counsellors,
social workers - want to clarify these issues for themselves and those
who seek their help. Look at the contents. If the topics you see pass through your mind when you are alone, or come up in your conversation, or invite you to have a second look, you know for whom and why this book was written.
Do these questions interest you? Do they tug at your heartstrings? If so, A Closer Look is for you. This is the sort of book that can bring about a whole new perspective on life. In it, Fr. Joe Mannath, a regular columnist of the NL, takes up some of life’s most common - yet always puzzling - questions and explores them with stunning clarity and disarming honesty. He lays before the reader the things that really matter in life and nudges him/her to take a closer look not only at the issues under discussion but also at one’s whole life. An admirable and absorbing work. The book is mostly a collection of 15 previously published articles, which have been substantially re - done for this volume. The book has three parts. Part I, Life’s Best Gifts, throws light on some of the central experiences of life, the kind of things that everyone thinks about: love, forgiveness, sexuality, prayer, the meaning of life, etc. Part II, Current Debates, takes the reader to a lively discussion on some of the hot topics of the day: politics, science and religion, patriotism, gender discrimination, spirituality. Part III, Just do it, contains some very practical tips on how to organize one’s life to get the best out of it. In every article the reader will find fresh insights and new ways of looking at life and its challenges. The author has a way of getting to the heart of the matter without losing the focus, and with a lot of humour, too. The book is full of practical insights and contains concise answers in contemporary language to the many “really real” questions that people carry in their hearts. The thrust of the discussions, however, is not to close the issues but to open the minds. In a brief review like
this, one cannot do justice to all the whole range of topics dealt with
in the volume. I limit myself to some passing remarks on just a few of
them. The reflection on forgiveness (Forgive and Forget? I can’t!) is
indeed an unforgettable piece; something that readers will want to read
and re - read. The piece on humour (Humour is no joke!) is a serious
invitation to recognize that a sense of humour and laughter are no
laughing matter; they are vitally important for preserving one’s sanity
and sanctity. The discussion on sexuality (The Fascinating Riddle of
Sexuality) is a daringly beautiful presentation of a theme that is at
once delicate and complex. The article on politics (Politics–Dirty Game
or Serious Call?) is well thought out and deserves to be made compulsory
reading for all our politicians - - and the citizens
who vote them to power. The piece on spirituality (The Inner
Journey–Boring Escape or Thrilling Adventure?) is the most sensible and
down - to - earth exposition of spirituality that I have read in recent
years. - K. J. Louis in 'The New Leader'
Contents:
Part II: Current Debates:
Part III: Just Do it!
Sample Selection:
Both your feelings are
understandable. Let me illustrate. These class mates in their turn could not believe that my nephews and niece longed for their parents’ company - that their nicest, warmest, funniest times were in the company of their parents.
Both these reactions are
found among family members - the family as the nicest place on earth,
and the family as something to escape from.
(1) Do praise your children.
A poised young working woman tells me: “I know that my sisters are
prettier than I am. But this has never been a problem for me, because my
mother always made me feel good about myself.” A lecturer in a college
shares the main secret of her self - confidence: “My father always
thought highly of me. He made me feel that I would be an asset to any
man I would marry.” (2) Do respect your spouse. If a husband and wife want their children’s respect, they must first treat each other with evident love and respect. If a husband puts down the wife, or she talks ill of him to the children, both lose the children’s respect and trust. (3) Do correct them (without humiliating them in public). This seems self - explanatory. Your children themselves will be shocked if you give in to all their whims and habits. (4) Pray everyday - for your children and with them. What sustains many of us in our difficult moments is the sense of God we picked up from our parents. (5) Train them to give and to make sacrifices. A wonderful man I know remembers how his mother trained him, at the age of seven, to do little services for his aged, bed - ridden uncle. That little boy grew up to be a gem of a human being - caring, generous and thoughtful. (6) Spend time with your children. This is a big hurdle for many parents, especially for many men who have to work outside the home. But both you and your children need this time together. I remember hearing a four - year - old tell his father, who was on his way out: “Daddy, if you are not here, who will watch me play?” A very good question! In fact, one of the regrets a number of older people - especially men - have is that they did not spend enough time at home when the children were growing up. I think, for instance, of my friend Bill, a successful businessman. When a colleague of his own age succumbed to cancer, Bill took a good look at life. One of the decisions that followed: spend more time with wife and children.
Q3. What about the don’ts? (1) Don’t be partial: One of the things children resent most is partiality. This is something people remember (at times with bitterness) all their life. A sixty - year - old woman recalls her childhood this way: “My older sister was always preferred to me.” A mother or father may feel greater attraction or liking towards a particular son or daughter, but they should not discriminate among them in practice, like, buying better gifts for your favourite child, or praising one for the same thing for which you blamed another child, or showing special signs of predilection for one or two of your children. (2) Don’t compare: “Why can’t you be like your elder brother? He is so smart.” This sort of comparison hurts, especially if it refers to talents. (“What a pity my daughter Priya is not as bright as her brother Anand.”) (3) Don’t imitate your children: Don’t try to talk or dress like your children, especially if you are much older. Being close to your children means being with them physically and emotionally, available to help them in need. It does not mean that a middle - aged mother should wear the clothes that suit her teenage daughter, or use youth slang to sound “hep.” (4) Don’t gossip: In some families, you never hear any gossip. The family has lots of happy moments being together, and does not find any need to discuss people to pass the time. In other families, unfortunately, as soon as guests leave the house, everyone starts discussing them. Children unthinkingly pick up such habits from grown - ups. One very sensible mother told her children: “There are so many nice things we can talk about and be happy. We do not discuss people.” (5) Don’t measure the value of your friends and relatives by the money they have: Show the same warmth and respect to the poor cousin as to the rich nephew; visit the well - placed uncle as well as the sick and needy aunt. Or else, your own children will measure each other by income and status.
(6) Don’t ignore the poor:
This again is something we learn from our parents . A class mate of mine
who was very involved in working for the poor, shared with me one of his
childhood memories. They had all finished their supper one day, except
for his mother. Just then a poor man came by, asking for food. His
mother took the food that she had kept for herself, gave it to the
beggar, and went to bed without supper. Years later he asked her whether
she remembered this incident. She didn’t. She must have done similar
things many other times, without letting anyone else know. (1) Most families (especially among the educated and the better off) are smaller than before. This has both good and bad consequences. On the positive side, greater attention to each child, greater educational opportunities, greater training to independence, less burden on the earth’s resources. On the flip side, children who are used to getting more (attention, money or things) often become more egoistic and less willing to share; they miss much of the learning that would come from growing up with siblings. (2) Because of the invasion of the media (TV, movies, radio, newspapers, magazines, videos, the computer and the Internet,…), there is much less control on what a child sees, hears and knows while growing up. Childhood today is far less protected than before. (3) Where both parents work outside the home, the child spends much less time with the parents. In some families, the only time the whole family meets together is on weekends. For others, that occasion is the evening meal. (4) Relationships between parents and children have become less authoritarian and more “democratic”. Many of today’s children and teenagers relate to their parents much more informally (teasing them, playing with them, or hugging or having fun) than the parents did to their parents. (5) For a number of families, the question of the mother’s working outside the home is a thorny issue. On the one hand, many families want and even need that extra income, and many women want the financial independence and sense of achievement that comes from a professional life. One is not just Mrs. So - and - so, or mother of So - and - so. But in holding a full time job outside the home, many women find themselves under tough pressures: the situation of having to work both outside and inside the home, insensitive husbands who do not help in household chores (which they see as a “woman’s job”), the tension of not being able to be with one’s children as much as one likes,...
(6) Another noticeable trait
of today’s families is this: With the rise in consumerism, there is an
increasing pressure to buy, to own the latest gadgets and the most
exclusive products. This is a demand that most families - except the
very rich - find extremely difficult to cope with. (1) Research, as well as common human experience, shows that the impact of the family, particularly of the parents, on our personality and achievement is undeniable. Children may drool over sports heroes or collect the pictures of their favourite movie stars. But no one matches the influence of mother and father on a person. In a survey I did for Friends Magazine, covering one thousand teenagers from ten centres in different parts of India, we found that the person most youngsters admired most was their mother or father. (2) So, too, as counselling and therapy sessions testify, most of our deepest hurts come from our family. We are probably loved most, helped most and hurt most in our family relationships. Some of the scars are deep and hard to erase. . In fact, much counselling and psychotherapy deal with the traumas people suffered while they were growing up.
(3) Our earliest years shape
us and the way we see the world as almost nothing else does. In those
impressionable years, when we were at our most dependent and helpless,
what others did or did not do for us affects us deeply. This: With greater mobility, greater separation among family members for reasons of work, stronger impact of the mass media, and the rising impact of individualism, family ties have perhaps become more tenuous. This does not mean that there is any country or culture where the family is not important. A certain criticism of “family values” is even healthy: the family can become an egoistic unit, closed in on itself, unwilling to get involved in the needs of other relatives or neighbours or of society at large.
It is difficult to compare
families in different countries. They differ in style and preferred
values, but not in their sensed importance of family life. To give two
examples, Indian (or Asian) families stress the family over the
individual. There is less room (even physically!) for the individual.
The son or daughter is often expected to yield to the parents’ wishes,
e.g., in choosing the marriage partner. This is not generally the case
in Europe or America. Or again, the Indian family controls the children
more than the average Western family does. To quote a recent example, a
group of professors who came to Chennai from Spain were surprised that
parents expected young women of twenty - five, or even older, to be back
home by 5 p.m. Again, our families are more “hierarchical”, theirs more
democratic. Calling a family happy is like saying that trees are green. Trees looks green from far. When you get close to them, you see that each tree has many shades of green, in addition to patches of grey and black and brown and white, as well as moth - eaten leaves and broken branches. There really are no perfectly green trees. So, too, with families.
You and I come from imperfect families, from which
we received both tenderness and scars. With all its limitations, this
messy, crazy, funny, loving, at times infuriating, often disappointing
cluster of human beings living, eating, sleeping, fighting, loving,
laughing, crying together is one of life’s most precious gifts. We may
grumble and shout, but, by golly, it’s among the few things without
which we would be totally lost. Don’t you agree?
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